fun with stationery

last weekend, I put on some leggings and realised they had a hole in them just above my knee. so I got a black texta and coloured my leg in through the hole.

it was quite effective and, not being well-versed in the art of sewing, I spent some time thinking about inventing disposable patches in different colours which you could stick on your skin under a hole in your clothes. this would save the time and bother of mending.

I was quite pleased with my possible new invention and my leg-colouring until I changed into shorts that evening. I kept on catching a glimpse of my knee when I was crouching down to put the washing in the machine or pick up something off the floor and thinking it was a spider on my leg. this caused me to start, and then slap away at my leg in a frenzied kind of way a few times before I remembered it was texta.

another time I saw it out the corner of my eye and thought I must have suddenly grown a new freckle. once I’d remembered that I’d coloured in my leg, I had fun pretending I was in a movie where I discovered I had a rare and incurable skin disease. I did all the pulling-at-the-skin motions and panicky looks, and then the frantic calling of the ambulance where you drop the phone because your hands are all shaky from being hysterical.

it was a pretty fun saturday.

important issues of our time: cold rolls vs marriage

last weekend I had breakfast with a friend whose brain seems to think more like mine that almost anyone else I know. we used to think this was a great thing and planned to marry (although we are both attracted to men and neither of us is a man) but have since realised that this would be THE WORST IDEA IN THE WORLD. 2x overthinkers in one relationship most likely does not equal 1x excellentness.

here is an example of my friend’s overthinking. in what shall henceforth be known as The Cabbage Incident, the making of Vietnamese cold rolls did not go down as well as planned.

a lover of the cold roll, my friend had been super excited to make them for her man who had never tried them before. she prepared the prawns, Chinese cabbage, rice paper and all the other ingredients, and waited for the expected delighted response. instead the response was more along the lines of indifference, verging on dislike of the cabbage in particular. like a piece of rice paper left in warm water for too long, my friend felt her hopes and dreams disintegrate.

my friend and her partner are planning to marry (now that I am off the scene) and they are very much in love. however, she wonders if she can marry a man who is not as enamoured with cold rolls as she is.

I completely understand. In my semi-vegetarian phase, I lovingly made my favourite lentil shepherd’s pie for the boyfriend at the time. he was “full” after two mouthfuls.

over breakfast, we discussed The Cabbage Incident and came to the following conclusions:

1. while it is certainly disappointing that a love of cold rolls cannot be shared, it is probably not high on the lists of reasons not to marry.

2. one should not give up one's own love of cabbage and cold rolls just to please the other.

3. there may be other friends with whom one could enjoy the delight of cold rolls and cabbage, and one must maintain this contact so as not to lose one’s sense of self.

having come to these conclusions, we still felt however that it would be completely warranted not to marry a man who did not like blue castello cheese with a glass of red.

"what's my line?"

here is a fun game to play. it is called “what's my line?”

number of players: 2

equipment required: people, voices (the ones that belong to the two people), hands (those attached to aforementioned people by way of arm)

instructions:

1. sit together as if you were having a conversation
2. one person begins by telling the other person what they should say (this should be done in a whisper behind a hand, as if you are reminding them of their lines)
3. the other person responds by saying the lines they have been given to say as if they just thought of them and planned to say them all along
4. then they whisper the first person’s next words back to them
5. continue until the bar closes

example:

person 1: (whispering to person 2 – oh you’re so great! I wish I could be EXACTLY like you.)

person 2: oh you’re so great! I wish I could be EXACTLY like you. (whispering to person 1 – no, I’m not that great. YOU’RE the greatest. in fact you’re so great, that I want to buy you the most expensive drink in this bar. please tell me what it is.)

person 1: no, I’m not that great. YOU’RE the greatest. in fact you’re so great, that I want to buy you the most expensive drink in this bar. please tell me what it is. (whispering to person 2 – actually what I really want is just a glass of water, please don't mention buying an alcoholic drink again or I'll be upset.) 

etc

I think you can see from this short example just how super fun this game can be, because it's all about making the other person say WHAT YOU WANT. the possibilities are endless!

my friend and I invented this game the other night and have decided to share it with others, so you may also enjoy it. however, it wouldn’t be inappropriate to acknowledge the source. at the end of playing it, just say “copyright: 2x excellent people. used with permission”. that’s enough for us.

disclaimer: this information has been supplied by two friends to enhance other friendships and interactions. please note that although certain drinks were bought for certain friends as a result of allocated lines on night of creation of game, game should not be used for personal gain. the manufacturers will not be liable for any injury or financial expenses incurred as a result of playment of game.

                             

1x red head

I go red A LOT. Not just like blushing a little bit from time to time. That would be endearing.

My red head is not endearing. It is proper Watch Out Your Whole Body Might Get Burnt Off If You Stand Next To Me red. People point me out to their friends when I’m going red because they’ve never seen anything like it. And then they get even more excited because I somehow manage to go even redder from embarrassment of being red.

Some reasons I go red:

• I can feel myself going red 
• I think to myself "don't go red" 
• I am on a date and the man is very attractive
• I am on a date and the man is very unattractive 
• I am on a date and the man is speaking very loudly 
• I am on a date and I think the people around me know I’m on a date 
• no reason 

NB: list not exhaustive.

One time I went to meet a boy for a date and the place where he had sat himself down in the pub meant we were kind of in the middle of a whole big area of nothing. So I started going red because it felt like everyone was looking at us. I thought I would go to the toilet to see how red I was. Maybe I just imagined I was red and it really wasn't that bad.

It really was that bad. My head equalled 1x tomato. I decided there were 3 options:

1. Stay in toilet until redness diminished (15-20 minutes). Decided against this as explanation for length of time spent in toilet potentially more embarrassing.
2. Escape out back door of toilets. Option dismissed. Didn’t want nice boy to think he’d done something wrong.
3. Return to boy and say “ok, so – my head is red. sorry about that. can’t really do anything about it” and get on with the date. 

Chose Option 3. Boy gave me a lovely vegetarian cookbook but didn’t ever call me again. Ho Hum.

here are some thoughts on life and movies

sometimes

it’s useful to imagine that your life

is a hollywood movie

then it’s OK

if you break up with your boyfriend

because in movies

the audience knows

there’s always a better one coming

and if it’s raining

and you’re walking down the street

and get splashed by a car going through a puddle

you can pretend you’re

carrie bradshaw in new york city

and then it’s quite Romantic and Glamorous

instead of just Wet and Annoying

and if you meet someone for the first time

and you’re a bit nervous and say some silly things

it helps to imagine you’re in a movie

where being a bit Awkward and Socially Inept

is usually seen as Quirky and Interesting.

overthinking example #1

A few weeks ago after dinner with a friend, we were talking about how she is so great and always herself and how I think too much about things and about what people think of me. I asked her how she got to be like that. “Do you like chewing gum?” she said. But I didn’t really get what she meant. How did chewing gum have anything to do with thinking too much? Then I thought maybe chewing gum was like thinking too much because both can have a laxative effect. At least with me. When the thoughts are especially stressful.

Chewing gum is also like thinking too much because it’s all fresh and exciting at the beginning, but then it loses its flavour and goes all grey and rubbery. That’s how ideas go when you think about them too much. They get a bit boring and just seem too difficult and so many things could go wrong and then you end up feeling tired before you even start so usually I find it’s best not to start at all.

I asked my friend if that’s what she meant. She said, “No, I was just wondering if you’d like some chewing gum after the coffee”.

Point made.