hardware heartache

as a lady living on my own, I sometimes have to do a bit of maintenance about the house. this occasionally requires a trip to the hardware store. however, after my last two experiences in said store, I am thinking about hanging up my Ms Handy-Lady gloves for good.

over the past couple of months, I have been to the local branch of a huge chain hardware store twice. in their tv ads, the people who work at this store absolutely love it. they smile and talk about how they just want to help you if only you’d give them the chance.

I decided to give them this chance. the first time I went with a male friend and was looking for picture hooks. despite the fact that the male friend a) is not my boyfriend, b) does not live with me, c) does not speak excellent English, and d) is not remotely handy, all the questions about the hooks and what kind we wanted were directed at him. moreover, I was the one asking all the questions.

on top of that, asking for help in choosing the right kind of hook seemed to be too small a matter with which to bother the “customer service” person. after a big sigh, he walked us to the correct aisle, pointed, and said “there”. I said I actually wanted some advice on the best one to use on the kind of wall I had. this provoked more sighing, questioning directed at my friend, and hand-waving in the general area. I gave up and decided to make up my own mind.

a few weeks later, after discussing hook choice with my dad and realising I’d chosen the wrong one, I needed to return to the hardware store. this time I didn’t make the mistake of taking a man with me and reasoned that they would have to be more helpful to a single lady on her own in a hardware shop. I strode confidently to the Aisle of Hooks and carefully selected the ones I needed.

remembering that I also needed some spray adhesive, and wanting to give the staff another chance to behave as on tv with me, I decided to ask an employee for his help in locating it. I spotted a staff member in the next aisle, and approached him slowly to give him time to look up, smile and ask me how he could help.

he did none of those things. finally, when I was about 2 inches away from his face and he still hadn’t looked up, it started to get awkward. I was still moving forward and about to end up with my nose in his ear. “excuse me?”, I said cautiously.

“yes?”, he replied without looking up from what he was doing.

“could you let me know where I might find spray adhesive?”, I asked.

from his reaction, I thought the wrong words must have come out of my mouth and I’d actually said “could I please have a can of wee juice?”

“spray adhesive?!” he cried, as if this was the weirdest request he’d had in all his years of working at the store.

“um, yes” I said, “spray glue?” in case for some reason he wasn’t good on synonyms.

“well,” he replied, shaking his head slowly and still looking incredulous, “all the glues are in aisle 1 so you COULD look there.”

I did look there and found the spray adhesive. while I really wanted to go back and spray it into his stupid round face until all his orifices closed over, I made my purchases without a fuss. I thought about asking the checkout lady for a staff feedback form but decided against this because it was getting a bit too close to being one of those grumpy people who write letters to the editors of newspapers demanding things like laughing in public places be banned because it’s too noisy and uses up too much air.

but I am thinking about going back to the shop to ask him for a can of wee juice just to see how he responds.

worried about not worrying

it may not come as a surprise to you, dear reader, that, from time to time, I exhibit slight tendencies towards worrying and being somewhat anxious. this means that I am wont to doubt myself in many situations, think a little too much about most things, and agonize over the smallest of mistakes.

however, at the moment I am feeling good.

I have some projects at work which I seem to be doing quite well. it seems I am Moderately Capable at a number of tasks. I would almost go so far as to say I am feeling close to Competent. while working on a report today, I suddenly became conscious of the fact that I was feeling quite pleased with what I had done. I realised that I hadn’t doubted my abilities or felt that I was doomed to failure or been on the verge of meltdown for well over 90 minutes.

this worried me.

I am used to feeling unsure and unconfident, and although usually unsure, one thing I am sure of is my place in the world as being someone who is unsure. 'what’s to become of me', I thought anxiously, 'if I start to feel no anxiety?'

fortunately, my apprehension about feeling composed and my uneasiness about my sureness have made me feel much better. should I ever become content with my contentness or confident about my confidence, then I’ll definitely be worried.

a pressing matter

here is something that I think should have been included when the body got invented or evolved itself or whatever it did: Body Buttons. two suggestions follow:

my sister and I both have very pale skin. we wouldn’t mind if we didn’t have 5000 freckles as well or if we were toned and firm, but as it is we are white, blotchy, and wobbly.

when we complain about it, people tell us not to worry and that being pale is ‘In’. these people usually have flawless olive skin and therefore have no idea what it’s like to go around looking grayish and sickly in the summer, and purple in the winter.

we feel a Body Button could help us deal with this issue. we would like to press a freckle on our skin and make our whole body go that colour. then we could confidently wear dresses and shorts without remembering to put on fake tan the night before and then waking up in the morning with a big orange crease line on our legs from the sheets and spending half an hour in the shower scouring off a layer of skin to try and remove it.

the reproductive process is another area which I feel a Body Button could improve. I think the belly button should be an actual button and you should push it when you want to have a baby and then your body can do all the things it needs to do in preparation for making one. as it is now, there are a lot of resources being wasted in the management of this condition. it is highly inefficient and in addition, not conducive to good moods, good finances or good times.

and that’s all I have to say about buttons.

dating for kangaroos

I like it when people aren’t predictable
and don’t fit the mold
they’re supposed to

like a stripper
who is studying a Masters in Political Science

or a gothic teenager
who plays the harp

it’s funny that people can do that
but animals can’t

a kangaroo can’t decide
that he would quite like to try some strolling around
instead of jumping

I wonder if it creates problems on the kangaroo dating scene:
you’re so predictable
they all say to each other
I’m looking for more excitement in my life

I guess excitement’s not high
on the kangaroo list of preferred character traits in a mate.