accent angst

last week, one of my friends came back to Adelaide after visiting his family in Venezuela for 2 months.

I was so excited to see him again because he makes me laugh A LOT. mostly intentionally, but sometimes unintentionally when he makes funny mistakes with his English. I don’t laugh at him because he makes mistakes, but because my mind will see the funny pictures his mistakes create, like “tonight I will sleep into the sofa”. I imagine him slowly dissolving into the cushions during the night, leaving behind half a sock that didn’t manage to fully integrate with the couch.

(my favourite English mistake of all time comes from a middle-aged Japanese lady I was teaching English to who said “I always ride my husband every day”. we finally worked out she was talking about giving him a lift to work every morning.)

because of his English and his accent, my friend has had some difficulties being understood in Australia, and a few people have unfortunately been quite rude to him. this has led us to develop the Wristband Accent-Tolerance Classification System.

under the System, everyone in the country must wear a wristband at all times, the colour of which indicates their level of willingness to engage in conversation with People of Non-Australian Accent:

• red: “keep away – I am only interested in hearing the Australian accent” (this may be further defined by State, as in those who only wish to listen to the Queensland or South Australian accent, for especially bigoted discerning folk)
• blue: “I will put up with the Canadian, American and British accents, but that’s about it. maybe New Zealand at a pinch. definitely not South African.”
• green: “I am willing to try to accommodate all, but may sometimes get irritable and speak extra loudly out of embarrassment that I am not understanding.”
• multi-colour: “all are welcome! should you have a lisp, stutter, and extremely heavy Russian accent, please come and chat!”

we shall be proposing this to parliament at some point in the near future.